My Dreams

There are a few things in my life that I have always dreamed of since I was a kid. I just took it for granted. I thought if I worked hard for it, I will get it. Somethings are not in my hands and I know that but, I always thought I would have it. There are two things in life that I really wanted but I don’t have them. The first one, I really did work hard but, I realized that there is more to it than me working hard. I settled for the next best thing and I was happy once again. But, then again reality hit me and said I cannot have my dream. I said, fine (after a lot of crying and being depressed for a while) and went on with what ever I could do.

The second thing, I know is not in my hands at all. But, I always somehow thought I would have it. But, when I did not have the second thing, I was devastated. Even today, I cannot get over that. I keep asking myself questions like – Is that the only thing that will make me truly happy in life? I know the answer is no. What is so special about it that it makes my heart ache every time I think about it? – I really cannot put it in words. But, I do know that if I don’t get myself out of this thinking mode, I am going to get depressed again and that is not doing anyone any good. But, coming out of those thoughts is the most difficult of all…

So, a few of days back, I was having a really bad day because I was thinking about all this and also a few other things which always make me nervous. Then I called my mom and that’s when I got the blow I needed to get myself out of this whole negative thinking process. After talking to my mom and dad, I realized that there are other things which I should be extremely happy about. Many other important things in life that I should thank God for. But, just that thought is not enough to get me completely out of this thinking mode. I need some action from my part.

Then, I decided that I am going to put all my energy and focus on my career. I have decided to push all these negative thoughts to the bottom by getting busy with my work. I have been thinking about this for a while but, I was not really sure if I could do it. But, now I decided that I have to do it no matter what. I decided I owe myself this one. I also know that if I am successful in this, it will be easier to tackle all the other negative thoughts or emotions that come my way. I will have something to be proud of myself. I also know that I might not be successful but, I really do not want to think about that now. I know I will get the support I need if I am not successful and I will deal with it when it happens.

I really wanted to put all this in words because, I want to come back and read this post when I go into my negative moods again.

PS: thank you for reading all the way 🙂